I always thought my mother is invincible. She never used to get sick. She hadn't even taken one sick leave in all her 35 years of teaching. The only off days she had ever taken were her maternity leave for us 3 kids.
She is this power woman, handling anything and everything. Her siblings used to say that if she was not around, nothing will work and only with her around, things can be done. She does not depend on anyone for anything. She has also always been there for people. The only one out of 7 siblings, taking care of her mom. Being there not only for her children but also for my dad, her siblings and their family. So I guess I never thought of her mortality. Thought that she is going to live forever and that nothing would ever happen to her.
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer recently. Her surgery (mastectomy) is this Thursday. Christmas Eve. When she told me. I felt like my world had ended.
Even with news like this, my mom is still a strong force. Instead of us cheering her up and trying to make her feel better and accept the news from the doctor, she is the one who is cheering us up. Knowing that we would be sad, she keeps on telling us that it would be ok. Instead of feeling sorry for herself and moaning and whining about why this had happened to her, she is the one trying to make it easier for us. We should be doing it but she is doing it for us.
We try to keep a cheerful atmosphere at home with my brother and sister cracking jokes, not allowing her to see our tears.
I don't really know how my mom feels on the inside. What she shows us, is someone with a positive outlook, making jokes, not showing her worry. She even said that she is planning to write poems on her experience pre and post surgery.
As for me, there is a constant ache in my heart. In front of her, I smile and say some stupid senseless joke but it is when I am alone, that the tears will come. Then I worry, would she think that I don't care for her, if I don't show her my sadness or does the worry lessen for her, when people around her are cheerful? Reading all my postings, I am sure that it can be ascertained that I am melodramatic and perpetually pathetic. My mom is the least dramatic of us all. She is always calm, cool and collected. Although, I don't know whether she keeps all her worry and pain inside or whether she truly is not worried. I hope it is the latter.
I have no one to talk to, so writing this post is like sharing it with someone.
I now pray daily, that my mom would recover and nothing will happen to her. I also pray for strength to be there for her. To be able to effectively care for her. That I won't let her down.
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