STUCK IN A RUT.. I've heard of this phrase for as long as I can remember but growing up, never really thought it would apply to me. Turned 33 on the 29th of Jan. Reflecting back on my life, I wonder if THIS IS IT... Am I going to live life not really achieving anything.. Becoming a "Have you heard what happened to her" story that people will tell their children so that the children don't end up like ME.
Mostly I'm just worried. My brother wants to further his studies but as he did not get a scholarship, we're not sure if financially we can afford it. My mom wants to take out her savings but I'm against this. What if, something happens to me and I lose my earning power. I give my mom a huge portion of my salary every month, what if something happens to me and she does not have my salary to fall back on. If she uses her savings for my brother's studies, what is she going to live on..
Then I'm worried about my brother.. My sister is finding it so hard to advance, even with all her skills and capabilities, because she does not have a degree. Will the same happen to my brother? Am I being a bad sister, by not ensuring he gets an education? Angry words were exchanged between us.. I said things I now regret.. But worried.. Worried.. Financial worries can really get you down, huh??
Then there's my mom.. A Cancer survivor, who badly needs a knee replacement surgery.. However, she's putting off the surgery as there is no one there to take care of my 90 year old grandmother. None of her other 6 siblings wants to take on the responsibility either. Leaving my mom to bear the burden of caring for my grandmother, even when my mom was undergoing chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I would never forget how she had to deal with the effects of her cancer treatment regiment while dealing with all the fusses and complaints that my grandmother makes. Can't really blame my grandmother though. She's 90. Can't exactly have her all smiles and sunny disposition.
It's my mother's 6 siblings that anger me. Her sister who could spend 1000s going on European tours abroad but can't spare a dime for her ailing mother and who slammed the phone down on her cancer stricken sister who was asking for a little help while she undergoes radiotherapy. Not financial help. We make do with what we have. But more of help to take care of my grandmother for a few weeks at least until my mom completes her radiotherapy treatment. At the end, it was us siblings who took care of our grandmother and we did it, without complaint, for our mom.
My mom is all the forgive and forget, the "They're family. Let's get along" type of person.
So sometimes stress really gets to me. I have no best friend to share it with. Except Mr. Blogspot here. Or is it Ms. Blogspot. Who cares. As long as Mr/Ms. Blogspot doesn't roll his/her eyes, say "I can't take listening to you anymore" and walk away.
I don't have any talent whatsoever to better my life. I want to look for a new job.. One that pays more than my current one.. So that I can support my sibling's education and help my mother pay for a nursing home for my grandmother or at least get my grandmother a private nurse..
Then there are the other things.. I can handle the snide comments from elderly Indian aunties who ask my mom while looking down at me like I'm some cockroach that just slithered out of a sewage tank, "What are you doing about your daughter. She's so unattractive. How is she going to land a man? What are you feeding her. Make her lose weight". Or the comments that go something like this "You're so lucky that your daughter looks like she does because no guys want her. Look at my daughter. So beautiful. I have to fight off so many guys chasing her". Yeah. Indian aunties, who think that a woman's job is to get married and if you don't get married worse if you DON"T WANT to get married, there's something seriously wrong with you like you need to get a doctor to look at you ASAP.
It's hard explaining that you're happy as you are. That when you listen to your colleagues and friends, you're glad that you don't have any husbands irritating and controlling you and children driving you mad.. And no, I've nothing against children. All the kids I meet always give me a warm, fuzzy feeling and a lot of "awww cute" exclamations from me.. Just don't want any of my own.. Actually I don't mind having children.. Just don't want the husband that has to go along with it..
I tend to over-analyze and over-think everything. I worry that no one likes me. That folks at work just tolerate me. I worry when my YouTube videos or blogs don't get any hits. Not this blog. This is for personal ranting and venting. Sorry Mr. Blogspot (Yup. Decided to make him male). But my other blog that all my friends know about. Or supposed to know about. Darn it. Hate that I just can't connect with anyone. Do they think I'm just some weirdo freak, who gushes about Adam Lambert every chance she gets. Do they think "She's 30+, when is she going to grow up and stop being so desperate and childish".
Worse, my Facebook friends, don't really share the same crazed interest in movies, songs and films. So whatever I write are just not something they get. Yup. I keep telling myself that to cover the lack of interest. When it could be that my writing just sucks and they're all like "she's at it again".
With zero social life and no other options on weekends, other than curling up with a good book or a good movie or film on tv, I get to work on videos for Adam Lambert. Of course, the videos suck but I love them, isn't that the most important thing?
What a sucky blog post, I've just written.
Off to bed with me now!!!!!Tweet This
